Name: The pudgy dad

Age: Probably in his 30s.

Status: The peak of human evolution.

This already smacks of wishful thinking. You’re wrong. Chubby dads are a scientific miracle, and I have the proof.

Oh, really? What proof is that? The new book How Men Age, which suggests that a slow physical decline after becoming a parent makes men healthier, more attractive and likely to live longer.

This is just a shot in the dark, but was this book written by a man? It was! It was written by Richard Bribiescas, professor of anthropology at Yale. How did you know?

Lucky guess. Anyway, the book says that slight weight gain actually strengthens the immune system. Plus, a study has shown that men with slow metabolisms are around 50% less likely to die in any given year than their skinnier counterparts.

Any other miracle claims to justify your dadbod? So many. When a man’s testosterone levels drop off, they become less likely to chase women. And what do they do with all this newfound time and energy? They become more attentive parents. What’s sexier than a good dad?

Are you telling me this because you just had to move up to a 36in waist? OK, another study. Latvian women actually find it attractive when men carry a little more weight. They find it more attractive than when men go to the gym and look nice and whatever.

Surely this can’t be a completely positive. Well, no. Because we’re men, we’re apparently worse at looking after ourselves than women. We don’t visit doctors, we eat badly. This has a broadly negative effect on our health.

So it’s not all good news, then. It’s good enough! Finally, I can justify my physique. See me wolfing down two Greggs pasties at once? That’s me strengthening my immune system.

I’m not sure that’s how it works. Quiet you. I’m the new Ryan Gosling, albeit a really tired Ryan Gosling who lives in a house covered in abandoned Lego and just went through the crotch of his Asos chinos again.

What about mums? Does parenthood benefit them, too? No. Mums die sooner than non-mums. Sorry.

Do say: “Sievietes, es esmu jaunus Adonis”.

Don’t say: “Yeah, but you’re still embarrassed to take your shirt off in public”.